Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40

29. How to Handle Unsolicited Advice in Midlife

• Jules and Michele: Midlife Mentors • Episode 29

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If you’re a midlife woman who’s ever been told to “cut your hair,” “dress your age,” “stop listening to that music,” or “maybe let your gray grow in”… this episode is going to hit home.

This week, Julee and Michele are diving into the wild world of unsolicited advice in midlife—why people dish it out, why it stings more when it comes from family, and how you can reclaim your power with grace, boundaries, confidence… and a whole lot of humor.

From backhanded compliments to “helpful” suggestions about your clothes, your parenting, your hair, your mood swings, and even your uterus (yes, really), we’re breaking down exactly how to respond—without shrinking, snapping, or sacrificing your sanity.

You’ll laugh, you’ll nod aggressively, and you’ll walk away with practical comebacks, mindset shifts, and empowering tools to help you navigate all the midlife commentary you never asked for.

In This Episode, We Talk About:

  • The REAL reason people feel so comfortable offering advice you didn’t ask for
  • How to deflect politely when you want to keep the peace
  • What boundary-setting looks like with friends, coworkers, and (ahem)… family
  • How unsolicited opinions often say more about them than you
  • Using humor as your secret weapon
  • Midlife confidence: finding your voice and using it unapologetically
  • The reminder every midlife woman needs to hear: You don’t have to justify your choices

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Why do people think they can say that?” … this episode is your new best friend.

Tune in, laugh with us, and remember:
Stay spicy, stay authentic, and let their opinions stay THEIR problem—not yours.

Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!

Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.

SPEAKER_01:

Hey all you spicy midlife women out there, Jules and Michelle here from Seattle, Washington, the Emerald City, bringing you all kinds of fun, joy, fast, and love from the Pacific Northwest, right, Michelle?

SPEAKER_00:

Spiciness, more like spiciness and no BS conversations, right? Yeah, here to help all you midlife women redefine your relationships, ditch those toxic cycles, and reclaim your power. One episode here at a time.

SPEAKER_01:

And this episode, you guys, you are going to get little tidbits on how to deal with unsolicited advice in midlife. Because you know what? We seem to get a lot of it. I mean, 40s, 50s, 30s, 60s, whatever. It doesn't matter. You get people at the grocery store saying, Oh, ah, love your nail color. Oh, or oh, what's another one?

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, like you're going to see Snoop Dogg? Tupac is your man? Tupac is your man? Yeah, those kinds of things, like about the like, do you think you should really be listening to music like that? Don't you think it's time to cut your hair shorter? Yeah, you should probably start letting it go gray, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I mean, really, you're at that age where you really shouldn't give a shit anymore. Oh, should you be wearing that? I mean, why we're pretty lingerie. So are thongs, but whatever. The point is that you've got people giving you a lot of unsolicited advice. It could be family members, it could be backhanded compliments about things. And sometimes it just really boils down to people are just freaking jealous of you. Yeah. Yeah. They're just kind of like, wow, she's bold. She can totally pull that off. And I can't.

SPEAKER_00:

Which is why we're here because everybody can. Yeah. Everybody freaking absolutely can. So, anyways. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I've got advice for you, Michelle. What's that? On having that hot flash that you never have. Here's some things that you need to do because I know everything about this. Yeah. That's bullshit. I don't really know everything. And all of you out there is like, I'm sorry, Michelle talks about hot flashes and it's bullshit because she's never freaking had one. And I love her, but I hate her at the same time because I have taken it on for both of us. Yeah. Yeah. And I appreciate that for you. I've taken one for the team. I love that for you. I have taken it for the team. I love that for you. That is one response you can give to people who are giving you advice. Oh, you should name your baby blah, blah, blah. I love that name for you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Absolutely. I think that's a good idea. You can name your kid that name. This is a good thing. This is a good saying to have in midlife.

SPEAKER_01:

So let's talk about three or four different ways that we can handle those things. And people who are not really used to speaking up for themselves, I would say probably have a little bit more difficulty with this. Oh, yeah. And in midlife, we are kind of learning where our voice is a lot of the time. If you haven't found it already, you're finding it now. Yeah. Which is so damn cool because people do not expect it. So you get the you say something and it's like that, you know, they're like, what did they say? Yeah. Oh my gosh, she totally like came back at me. This is I know. It's it's actually really great. Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah. So let's talk about like being polite and deflecting. Okay. Yeah. So let's say you are at a work gathering or you're at a gathering at a friend's house, you don't really know a lot of the people there, something like that. You want to be polite so you don't piss off the host, right? Or you so you can be invited back. Host. I sound like you said hose. Don't want to piss off the hose. Yeah, we don't we want to piss them off either. The host. Host. Okay. Or, you know, the the boss or whatever. So you want to handle yourself with eloquence. Sure. And be able to have a more polished response, perhaps, but really get your message across. So let's just say that, you know, someone had said, I really hate the way, you know, Whole Foods is running their, I don't know where I came up with Whole Foods, but as running their bakery. They're not making homemade goods anymore. And I'd say you need to go over to Metropolitan Market because they have the cookie and it's not. Because she's thinking about cookies. Yeah. That's why. But I'd say, wow, that's an interesting take on that.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and it's just like what we were just joking about. Aren't you too old to be listening to music like that? I mean, that is kind of a backhanded, unsolicited advice in a way. 100%. Right. So you can, I mean, like that's something that you could say, you know, I appreciate your perspective, but that's just not me. Yeah. And leave it at that.

SPEAKER_01:

I was doing an open house, and I don't even know how the conversation came up, but this couple had come in and they knew my sister and my brother-in-law, around the same age as us and everything. And the woman was talking about not the same mindset. No, my God, this woman did not have the same mindset. She was really nice and everything, but I don't even know how the topic came up of Eminem, right? Who I I love Eminem. And I love a lot of Eminem's music. I know I'm kind of in the minority here at my age. I don't really give a shit whether you like it or not. I like him. That's the way it is. But she didn't know that I liked him.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And so it came up to where she was talking about someone that she knew. I don't even know how it came up, but it's like, can you believe this woman? She's our age and she likes Eminem. Like she listens to that all the time. And I was like, interesting. And in the back of my head, I'm going, bitch idea too. You know, but it's like she she connotated that with I don't know if connotates the right word. She likened that to someone who was more immature. You've always the impression that I had. Yeah, I mean, I'm self-proclaimed level of maturity, maybe sometimes a little lower, and that's okay. That's part of my free spirit. But I just kind of thought it was funny because she was so judgy about this whole thing and MM. And I'm just like, you know what, we're just gonna keep my musical preferences to myself.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you don't always have to be guns ablazing in every like situation, right? Let's just talk about that. We you have to know your audience, who you're talking to, what it is. And honestly, it's not worth the time or the energy to like come back and clap back with whatever you would have. Okay. It's different. And that kind of brings us into like the second tip of being a boundary setter. Right. Because that's gonna be in a situation where it's somebody that you are closer to, somebody that means well, but crosses the line. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

And think all of the holiday gatherings that are coming up. Holy shit. Yeah. Like how you're raising your kids, clothes that you wear, the fact that you brought store-bought goods instead of homemade goods. That was kind of a thing. I remember running across that, going, like, okay, working full time, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I still made all the cookies. Well, and can't- But not everybody can do that.

SPEAKER_00:

And I know we're talking about how to handle the unsolicited advice, but can we just talk for a minute about you people giving the unsolicited advice? Yeah, what the hell is that up? What is the hell, right? And I'm just thinking about my own situation. I had a situation, somebody was over at my house and they made comments about some of my interior design decor and how I like how she says it. They felt it was not appropriate. Was it meat? No, and it's very appropriate. It has nothing to do with midlife, but just like I'm just using that as an example, right? Yeah. And it was a family member. And I just you have to take those opportunities to then set the boundaries, but really, it is not your place. Let me get back to that because we're talking about the people giving the unsolicit advice. It is not your place to do that. Please don't do that. So explain what you're explaining. Give me an example. Explain what you mean. Like go through the scenario. Well, well, I just gave an example, but not about midlife stuff, but it an example would be somebody, a family member, giving unsolicited advice. They're gonna probably feel like they're helping you, like they're saving you, like it's their job. That is correct. But that's where we in midlife are able to set them straight and let them know. And if they really knew who you are, how you are, it's like my sister, she does a great job. She knows how I am. I tend to be a little bit vocal. I say things, I don't hold back, I just tell it like it is, and she slaughs, right? Because she knows you.

SPEAKER_01:

Now, if you were someone else that she didn't know, she would probably go, What a bitch.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, yeah, and probably shouldn't be giving that advice, anyways. About the concerts that you're going to, about the clothes that you're wearing, and if they're age appropriate, about the people that you're hanging out with, about the uh your dating life, about how you're handling your children in midlife? All of those things, like if it is unsolicited, that is on a whole other spectrum. Yeah. And you're right.

SPEAKER_01:

If I'm to you and I'm asking, that's different. Well, why? So going back to that, why do you think people feel that they have the latitude to do that? Do you think it's because they are comfortable with you and that you won't take it the wrong way?

SPEAKER_00:

Or I mean, as as far as uh we're talking about uh t tip two and how to handle it and being the boundary setter. I think that those people that think that they can come at you or come to you and let you know things about a certain situation, maybe they're trying to help you or save you, or you know what I mean? Like she's out of her goddamn mind. What does she think she's doing behaving this way? Or what does she think she's doing? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, let me ask you this in that scenario, would you prefer that they came to you and made the out-of-pocket comment or went around behind your back?

SPEAKER_00:

Come to me, sister.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, because you know what? They're probably going, oh my God, did you see what music she's listening to? Or do you see what she's wearing? Or yeah, oh my God, how many Tito's has she had tonight?

SPEAKER_00:

Here's the thing, though. And this is just coming to light in a way as we're talking about this. This is not in our notes, but you know, for people that are doing that, they don't really know who you are. How you kind of agree, how you handle things. I see family members too. I know, and there are those that do our family members that know some of the things about us, and those are the things I know in my family pretty much just unspoken. Yeah. Don't even go there. We don't need to talk about it. It is what it is. Live and let live on to the next, right?

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah, yeah, I agree. And I I think that the the time that people feel most judged a lot of the time is when they are with their family.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, and every every family's different. They're all the dynamics are so much different in different families. Yeah. But it's funny how you hear that saying, it's like you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, you know, because you're really related to people you might never even like socialize with in the outside world. Sometimes totally digress on that. But anyway, I am very different than the people in my family. I think that's what makes it kind of fun.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and I think too, like what we're talking about kind of brings us into the third, the third thing, which is the inner confidence move. And it's kind of what we were just saying, how that unsolicited advice says more about them than it does about you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You were a stay-home mom. Yes. But you weren't a stay-home mom the whole time. You still had kids, yeah, younger teenagers or whatever when you went back to work full time. Yep. I worked pretty much full time through all of my kids. I had maternity leave and all that kind of stuff. But I remember the judgment that came along with that about working and what my children had or didn't have. And oh yeah, big time. A lot of judgment. Yeah, a lot of judgment. And I was always trying to dig myself out of that, I remember, you know, like overcompensating for things because I felt like I was lacking in ways because I had a career, and these women that were judging me really didn't have careers. Their focus was different, and it wasn't a bad thing, it was just different, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

See, and I was kind of the opposite. I didn't overcompensate, I kind of took all the shit. I just took all the shit and tried to like because I needed that support in my village, if you will. Like, you know, the saying it takes a try. Right. Right. When I was working and needing help with the kids and all that stuff, I knew people were was say they were saying shit and mostly things that had to do with me and my ex-husband, and you know, this, that, and the other thing. But I was the well, I guess trying to save face to your point. Yeah, I guess I was always trying to like keep the peace. Overcom. Yeah, overcompensate overcompensate. That's true, true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And then your plate's pretty full when you're at that point in your life. And so some women have it completely together and are very rigid and focused in that way. You know, I was, I think, very rigid, but I was a kind of a ding-dong. Like, and and I think that's just my personality. And when I say that, I'm not saying it in a giraffe, hey. I'm trying to hold back here, but continue. We're not gonna talk about leaving my ID, you know, when I'm at the airport, things like that. But it's okay, that's an example.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's just tell the story really quick. I know it's digressive getting off subject. I know, right? Julie got to the airport the other day. She was spending a couple days with her bestie in Arizona, and I get this Marco Polo. We use that app, and she's totally telling me that she left her ID. She got to the airport and didn't have her ID. Yeah. And in my mind, I'm like, how do you fucking get to the airport? How do you even do that? Because this is the second time within probably a year. Yeah, it's been a year and a half, yeah. That a year and a half. That, yeah, because last time I went home and got it for her, she didn't even think to ask.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, I didn't even dare for me to do that. As a matter of fact, my friend that was going with Mary, she was like, Can you ask?

SPEAKER_00:

I'm like, Oh, hell no, I anyways, digress, but had to just say like it is because it's so jewelry.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's me. And but it doesn't mean that I'm stupid. I usually I'm kind of a ditch. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of things I'm not ditz about, but anyway, and I get so much shit from people about this because just the way I lose my keys all the time. Yeah. I mean, what is wrong? I'm worried I'm not gonna know if I have Alzheimer's because I forget.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, this is just jewels.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's just me.

SPEAKER_00:

It is just jewels.

SPEAKER_01:

Anyway, but I do have the inner confidence to be able to say, you know what, it's just me.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and then got a perfect segue into the fourth thing here, which is like diffusing things with humor. Right. Right? And that's like what she does. We do laugh about it a lot, and because we know it's just her, and it's okay. Yeah, God love her.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, we were talking about just as an example of diffusing things with humor, but putting up boundaries. Zoe, my daughter, had gotten this t-shirt for my daughter-in-law that was kind of a joke because she lives in Texas, right? And the t-shirt has a picture of a uterus on the front of it. Okay. Yeah, kind of a thing. And, you know, we're all talking about my daughter-in-law's uterus. I don't know why we were all talking about it. And she's like, Hi, people. I'm right here. I'm right here.

SPEAKER_00:

Me and my universe are right here.

SPEAKER_01:

Right here. Can you please stop talking about? We're all just kind of stopped and going, I mean, we're so comfortable with these conversations that we're seriously talking about this girl's uterus. And it just made me laugh. Or, you know, same girl, my daughter, she totally knows how to put her dad in his place. You know, he'll make some snarky comment to her and like, oh, how is your day, you know, Zoe, or something. He's just joking around. But she's like, you know, beyond shedding my lining of my uterus, I'm doing really well. She totally shuts him down. And he knows that he's like kind of walking outside of whatever boundary you know, she has set. So everybody has different ways of doing it. And you can do it with humor, or you can do it by not saying anything or whatever you decide to do. But I kind of think it's hilarious.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, in regard to menopausal, these midlife menopausal things, right? Because I think that's where sometimes we can get a lot of shit because of the brain fog, the hot flashes. We bring humor to a lot of the menopausal things.

SPEAKER_01:

But do you think that's been the way it always was?

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, it's not even close. I don't. Right. I don't think it has been. I think the more information that we've gotten, women are able to embrace that it's normal, that they're not a one-off, that all women are going through this. And we can, though it sucks, but there are those things that we can find humor from, right?

SPEAKER_01:

I remember people finding humor in me though. And I'm just like, that's not your place. I remember that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, she's flashing. Yeah. There she goes. And I'm just like, fuck you. Yeah. I mean, I'm having a bad enough time without you making fun of it.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, and as far as the humor part of it, it can be, I kind of love the examples that we have here, which is, you know, wow, so many experts on menopause today. That kind of brought me to the office. Yeah. Because I work with lots of men. Oh, yeah. There are a lot of men in the office and a few handful of women that talk about some of these things, you know, we can choose to find humor because it's like whatever.

SPEAKER_01:

We could say, like, oh, thank you so much for that advice. Should I Venmo you for that? I mean, that's a very snarky thing to say, but it's kind of funny. It's more like maybe I've overstepped my boundaries. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's just a way too of keeping things light and, you know, because we can catch a lot of flack as midlife women for some of the things in the way that we react to things in midlife and because of our bodies changing and the menopause. So, you know, where we're able to find humor, I think it's good for us just as well as a situation where somebody might be saying something that, you know, well, things like menopause or very welcome, your hair, or, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever it's a personal thing or not.

SPEAKER_01:

It's like we have not been in a world where we've comfortably talked about these things when we were younger. And we've got women that are coming up behind us now that are hopefully going to be in situations that are very different with their daughters. Yeah. We're going to have conversations with their daughters. Maybe we didn't have those conversations with our moms. We had to figure a lot of that stuff out on our own. And it's not our mom's fault, it's the way it was. You know, I'm not going to be that way with my kid.

SPEAKER_00:

I think too we need to try to not be so defensive all the time, right? React. Reactive and try to shoulder what we're doing, right? I'll just share a couple weeks ago. I chose to throw away something that I thought was gone from the shower. And boy, did I hear about it that they couldn't believe that I threw it away. It's my son. And I immediately got up, went over to the garbage. Of course, he's in the bathroom now, right? I went over to the garbage. And this is my midlife emotions, menopause, whatever. And I found that what I thought was an empty container. And then I threw it against the bathroom door. Oh. Uh oh, and then I picked it up and I threw it against the bathroom door again. Oh, and I picked it up again and I threw it against the probably like four times, right? Okay, mom. Just being the stupid, annoying, like totally let my emotions get the best of me completely uncalled for. So later when we talked about that situation, sometimes we have to be open to, I know we're talking about how to handle the unsolicited advice, but there are those situations where we need to be able to be open to some of the feedback that we are getting because some of the things and the feelings that we go through in midlife with menopause and everything else, it can be overwhelming. And not even, you know, we don't even realize in the moment what's happening. And not all advice is bad.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. Right. Unsolicited advice, even unsolicited advice, isn't necessarily going to always be bad. I think it has to do with the way it's coming at you. Yeah. Or if there is a hidden message behind it, or if it's done in a way where there's kindness, you know, I think it's a very different dynamic. But it also depends on the relationship you have with the person, too. So there's a lot of factors. I think we're receiving more of that unsolicited advice, but looking inward, you have to ask yourself how much of it are you giving to other people? Right. You know, how much unsolicited advice are you giving to people that don't want it? Right. You know, and I think that we have to all watch our cues. If you have somebody who's not necessarily giving you the cue that they're interested in having that conversation, stop doing it. Yeah. Because you may have great advice, but maybe it's the way you're coming about it, or they don't want to hear it, or they don't really respect your opinion. And so it's kind of falling on deaf ears anyway.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So god damn it, Michelle. I will give you no more unsolicited advice.

SPEAKER_00:

Same back at you, Joels. Like, no judgment here.

SPEAKER_01:

We'll just I'm always asking her for advice on things. I ask her a lot for advice on things, and she's really good about it. Usually it has to do with like skin care. Or you curled my hair because I can't reach the back, you know, or something like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. All the things we try to keep up with. Yeah. So just know, ladies, you're not alone. People, we get this unsolicited judgment or advice, whatever you want to call it, and just find those ways to be able to move through it, get over it, go past it, whether it's the humor, having the inner confidence to know it's them and not you, um, having a reflective response in those situations, whatever it might be. Just walking away because it's not worth go with it. It's not worth you. It is not worth the time or energy or getting worked up or the drama that might be ensued if you pursue it in a different way. So, you know, live lightly, move through midlife magically, and let it be on them and not you. Just continue to be your authentic self. That's all I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01:

And if you guys don't notice, we're being our very authentic selves on TikTok because I've actually danced on there. Never in a million years did I think I do that shit, but I have, and it's really fun.

SPEAKER_00:

It is fun.

SPEAKER_01:

Go check us out on TikTok, everybody. Yeah, YouTube. We're on YouTube now, and of course, Facebook will have our community there and Instagram as well. Yeah. So we appreciate all of you listening and look forward to having more time with you ladies next week. Until you all, stay hard shit. Take care, guys. Bye. Bye.